Friday, September 30, 2011

Wine, Cheese & Me – Getting Better With Age

Sixteen maybe be sweet, but it turns out that twenty years older is just twenty years hotter. Below are ten of the many ways in which I am sexier now than when I was a teenager:

Grey hair = naturally occurring highlights

My ever growing need for “mole checks” makes it easy to get my clothes off. (Does this thing look weird to you?)

Dark under-eye circles = that sexy, smokey-eye look without effort   

My inability to stay awake past 10 PM makes it easy to get me into the sack.

Nothing says “Giddy-up, cowboy” like saddle bags. Also, love handles can be handy.

Spider veins = like those saucy fishnet stockings, only without the stockings

Cellulite provides textural interest, sort of like a Bob Ross painting

The effects of gravity over the years adds variety, keeping things interesting.  (Hey, were those always there?)

The worse my eyesight gets, the better you look.

I know things. I've seen things. I've done things... and I even remember some of them.


Today's exercise: Embrace your age... or embrace the aged. Something like that.

Next: Hooray for Boobies!

Friday, September 23, 2011

St. George and the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo: Meditations on the Stars Wars Saga on Blu-ray (Part 2)


Continuing my stunningly superficial analysis of the Star Wars films on Blu-ray... (St. George in heavenly Marin preserve us.)


A New Hope

Princess Leia looks like my great-grandmother. This is in no way intended as an insult. She really does. See?



Generally speaking, I have a bad motivator.

“You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.” Mos Eisley spaceport = Las Vegas

A step-by-step hi-def, big-screen, slow-mo analysis definitively proves it. Greedo shot first.

“She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid.” The Millennium Falcon and I have that in common.

“The Force” would be a much cooler sci-fi basis for a hipster celebrity pseudo-religion than Dianetics.” Someone should look into that...

Nostalgia for my misspent youth aside, still one of the best films I've ever seen.


The Empire Strikes Back

Claymation! Muppets! I <3 the 80s!

Han Solo is a total nerf-herder. I could not agree more.

Boba Fett = Best action figure ever.

How come Billy Dee Williams and William Shatner never did a buddy movie together? Seems like someone missed an opportunity there...


Return of the Jedi

There should be a support group for the many women who still have body image issues because of early exposure to Princess Leia and her metal bikini. (Not a single freckle. I could just smack her...)

Ole Miss came so very close to being the coolest University ever. Long live Admiral Ackbar!

Flying motorcycles! Living teddy bears! Redwoods! Can I live on Endore? (I dream of one day moving to Humboldt County, going all Col. Kurtz, and leading my own Ewok Army of Darkness.)

I love a happy ending... especially if there were a whole bunch of really cool explosions preceding it.


Today's lesson: I am not nearly as deep or intellectually-minded as I once thought I was.

Next: Let's see what's next on the Netflix queue: Thor, X-Men First Class, Pirates of the Caribbean 3...

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

St. George and the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo: Meditations on the Stars Wars Saga on Blu-ray (Part 1)

Recently, the Yummish Council revisited the Joseph Campbell "Mythos" series, in preparation for the September release of St. George of Lucas' Star Wars films on Blu-ray. I'd hoped that it would help me better analyze one of our culture's most influential myths.

Below are the sad, sad results of my efforts. (or, as the man says, “I have a bad feeling about this.”)

The Phantom Menace

Every time someone says “Naboo,” I mentally substitute “Naboombu.”

One must be quite tall to successfully pull off the Jedi holocaust cloak look. The boots are cool, though.

Long-limbed, clumsy, mumble-mouthed... Do I hate Jar-Jar because he actually reminds me of myself?

...No. He just sucks. Renaming him “Jughead.”

I wonder if Kaiser offers Midi-chlorian tests?

A sci-fi universal truth: blue-skinned woman are always hot.

Skywalker is almost as cool a last name as Strider.

Qui-Gon Jinn  = Kwai Chang Caine  I have seen every episode of the 1970s TV show Kung Fu. Yet another example of the many ways in which I am awesome. 

Attack of the Clones

Do I see red in Ewan McGregor's beard? If so, that, combined with the BMW motorcycle thing, is almost enough to make me forgive his wang-baring in essentially every indie film of the 1990s.

George Lucas clearly also has a thing for motorcycles. Call us, George. We know all the sweet rides in the Bay Area.

Amidala = Nabooese for “enviable abs.”

Dooku... Dooku... tee-hee... Dooku...

Christopher Lee is a poor trade for Liam Neeson... but Jimmy Smits helps.

Many of the creatures in the Lucasverse look like they'd be tasty over steamed rice with a little soy sauce... or maybe deep fried in cornmeal...

Revenge of the Sith

Dream recast:
Anakin Skywalker – James McAvoy
Emperor Palpatine – John Hurt
Master Jedi Yoda – Kermit the Frog


Today's lesson: If you can find a take-away* from that bunch of nonsense, best of luck to you.

Next: Notes from three original Star Wars films... wherein we try to answer the question that is tearing our nation apart: Who shot first, Han or Greedo?


*Wait... An actual take-way:  From the Senior Member of the Yummish Council, Dr. Jim Strider:

I'm glad my silliness in re-watching the Star Wars movies has provided poodoo for the Yummish Blog.  (Poodoo means "fodder", right?)

Here's a couple of blurbs from wikipedia on the amygdala-

"In complex vertebrates, including humans, the amygdalae perform primary roles in the formation and storage of memories associated with emotional events. Research indicates that, during fear conditioning, sensory stimuli reach the basolateral complexes of the amygdalae, particularly the lateral nuclei, where they form associations with memories of the stimuli."

and

"Memories of emotional experiences imprinted in reactions of synapses in the lateral nuclei elicit fear behavior"

Yes, I think St. George considered that with regard to Amidala's name. Remember, the full story is all about Anakin Skywalker, so every object, event, and character must first be considered in it's relationship to him. And the fortuitous syllables "Ami" and "dala" (sounds like "doll-a").  I'm sure St. George considers himself  very clever for wrapping all that into one name.  ;-)

Master Yoda sez, "The unifying element of the six Star Wars films, Darth Vader is."





Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Neanderthal Woman


Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the gene pool... It turns out that many of your friends and neighbors may actually be the scions of Cavemen.

Cro-Magnon hottie Ayla
According to recent findings, the proto-humans known as Neanderthals didn't actually die off so much as get it on with the newly emergent Cro Mangon hotties. (Thus, making the Clan of the Cave Bear books more scientifically accurate than many high school biology texts in the US...) Humans of non-African origin may have derived between 1% – 4% of their DNA from these husky, prehistoric hunters, with about 100 Neanderthal genes still playing an active role in human evolution. 
 
Far from being disturbed by this discovery, I adore the idea of being descended from Neanderthals. Below is a list of my very intelligent and well-considered reasons why:

I've always thought it would be cool to be bi-racial.

I'd have an unassailable excuse for my desire to hit others over the head with a heavy wooden club...

      ...and for eating with my hands...

           ...or modeling large portions of my wardrobe on Raquel Welch in One Million Years B.C. (What does one wear with fur-trimmed apres-surf boots? A leather bikini! Duh.)

My occasional loss of verbal ability could be ascribed to something other than half a bottle of Shiraz.

Watching The Flintstones cartoon at my advanced age becomes slightly less pathetic... as does my habit of wearing animal-print scarves.

It would finally explain my fascination with Ugg boots...

      ...and men with prominent browridges...
          
          ...and why there are so many finger/hand prints on the walls of my apartment.

I'd no longer have to be insulted when told I dance like a troglodyte.

Tweezing = optional

CMMC* – Cave Man Motorcycle Club!


Today's exercise: Enjoy the increased “scope for imagination” afforded to us by new scientific discovery.

Next: Me no know... Only simple cave woman...


SAMCRO-Magnon
*Admittedly, that could also stand for Cro-Magnon Motorcycle Club. Though C-MMC would most likely be a Harley Rider's Group, while we Neanderthals tend toward BMWs
 

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Notes from the 2011 Yummish Council Retreat in Las Vegas

$.99 margaritas... 110 degrees in the shade...

What in the hell is she wearing?
My next car will be stainless steel

Bourbon Street-themed to-go bars... 80s flashback week... Room d├ęcor by IKEA... 

How did I get a sunburn there?

Me: Why is that girl dressed like a milkmaid hooker?
Jim: I think she's supposed to be Sailor Moon.
Me: Oh, OK.

A Tarot reading? Sure! An adventurous, free-spirit, you say? How could you tell?


I <3 authenticity
Psychic: You've come close to death twice.
Me: It's been a slow morning.

Semi-sober black-light mini-golf... Cupid's Wedding Chapel drive by...

Pardon me, do you carry any stockings that aren't crotchless?

Less Fear and Loathing than The Rum Diary.” Hello Sailor Jerry!

Desert sushi... Midnight gelato... 4AM doughnuts... Hair of the dog...

You'll do what? For how much?!?


My favorite vending machine
Today's exercise: The Council is still searching for the ultimate “take away” from this year's retreat... as well as a half-empty tube of particularly flattering pink lip gloss last seen somewhere on Fremont Street and one pair of tighty-whiteys. If found, please contact...

Next: Possibly that list of literary mash-ups I've threatened in the past...