An Important (and messy) Message from YARP

New from the Yummish Advanced Research Project (YARP):

SLOW COOKER BARBECUE RIBS

4 lb. pork ribs

1/8 cup molasses

1 tsp. salt

1 tsp. ground black pepper

3 1/2 Tbsp. liquid smoke

2 garlic cloves, chopped

1 green bell pepper, sliced

and/or

1 medium onion, sliced

2 chiles Colorado, dried

6 – 10 slices of jalapeno pepper

3/4 cup cola*

2 cups barbecue sauce**

*Recommended: Mexican Coke

Coat inside of 4-5 quart slow cooker with olive oil.

Cut ribs into 3-bone sections.
Mix together molasses, salt, black pepper, liquid smoke and garlic in a shallow dish. Coat ribs with mixture.
Layer ribs, bell pepper, and/or onion in slow cooker.
Snap stems off of chiles Colorado and discard half of the seeds.
Add chiles Colorado and jalapenos to slow-cooker.
Pour cola over all.

Cover and cook on low heat setting 8 to 9 hours or until tender.
Remove ribs from slow cooker.
Drain and discard liquid.

**Recommended: Bulls-Eye Guinness Draught Beer Blend

Pour barbecue sauce into shallow bowl.
Dip ribs into sauce. 
Return ribs to slow cooker. 
Pour any remaining sauce over ribs.
Cover and cook on low heat setting for 1 hour. 

Eat.


Today's exercise: Get cooking!

Next: That “To Kill A Mockingbird” post. Really and for true, this time. I think.

When I Get My WABAC Machine

For those of you unfamiliar with the WABAC ( pronounced “wayback”) machine, let me congratulate/pity you for not having spent your childhood in front of the TV, though, for cultural relevancy's sake, it is imperative that you hone up on your “Rocky and Bullwinkle” references* ASAP.

In the interim, it suffices to say that the WABAC machine is a time machine built by a hyper-intelligent cartoon dog, Mr. Peabody. Actually, it is really only necessary to understand that it is a time machine, but I threw in the part about the animated talking dog so you'd have a sense of where this post is coming from.

Below is the list of things I have deemed most important to accomplish should I ever acquire a time machine, in no particular order:

• Get fall-down giggly-girl drunk on pink champagne with Marilyn Monroe.
 
• Photobomb the famous “V-J Day in Times Square” kiss photo.
 
• Land a background role in the “La Marseillaise" scene in “Casablanca." Attempt to convince the director that having the crowd spontaneously break into "The Hokey Pokey" would be just as affecting.**
 
• Buy AOL stock, pre-IPO.
 
• Meet Rasputin. Freak him out by predicting his own future.
 
• Meet Lisa Gherardini, the model for da Vinci's Mona Lisa. Ask what's on her mind.
 
• Get Shakespeare's autograph... on one of Christopher Marlowe's plays, thus thoroughly confusing academia forever.
 
• Attend Woodstock. Bring a box of wet-wipes.
 
• Prevent, at all costs, my 9th grade hairdo.
 
• Split a peanut butter and banana sandwich with Elvis. Attempt to warn him off of the whole “sequined jumpsuit” thing.
 
• Create shivaree-style coitus interruptus outside of his parent's bedroom window on the night the inventor of culottes is to be conceived. Ditto for the creator of the “skort.”
 
• Attend the world premier of the original 1977 “Star Wars” movie. Upon leaving the theater, be heard to remark that, “Well, it's pretty obvious to me that Darth Vader is going to end up being Luke Skywalker's father.”
 
• Coffee with Alfred Peet. A glass of wine with Robert Mondavi. Dinner with Julia Child. Rum shots with Hunter S. Thompson***.

Today's exercise: What would you do, given the time?

Next: Something filled with charm, wit and poignancy... or not. 


*Get Moose and Squirrel!

**Watch as Peter Lorre shakes it all about! Now that's good cinema!

***The first time I read "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" it was while working at the Oklahoma District Attorney's Council. I read it sitting at my desk, goofing off, because my boss was away at the annual NDAA conference. Mind blown.

Dip Me In Nostalgia and Sprinkle Me With Powdered Sugar: The Yum of Summer Fairs

It is officially summer, and as such, the unofficial start of the Fair season, which lasts through early autumn, generally culminating in a State Fair.* 

What is it about the mingled scents of herbivore waste, human sweat and fried onions that I find so irresistible?

I think I'll have the Polish sausage sandwich with onions and peppers, corn on the cob grilled in it's own husk, a cold beer, then a funnel cake for dessert. (Thanks to the Loop-the-Loop, none of these calories will count.)

Note Jim's look of total Zen.

The real thrill of traveling carnival rides isn't the speed, the whirling, or the G-forces. It comes from knowing that the ride was assembled the night before by carneys and local winos.  

That band I hated in the 70s is playing for free at the fair grounds? I'm so there!

4-H kids are badass. Really. They're gangsta. They will cut you. Just ask that steer. 

It is almost impossible to get me out of the show rabbit exhibit. It is nearly impossible to get me into the pig exhibit.

The world needs more pie baking competitions... and more butter sculptures. 

There's a beer garden, you say? Well, maybe just one...

Note: children are now older than they appear.

Do not ride the roller coaster after visiting the beer garden. Instead, consider the bumper cars.

In spite of my nearly crippling fear of heights, I always ride the Ferris wheel. I inevitably regret this choice. 

In the interest of your own health and well-being, do not attempt to guess my weight, Mr. Carnival Barker Man. Being made to stand on a giant scale in front of crowds of people is the stuff of nightmares -- not something I'm willing to do in exchange for a little stuffed toy. For one of the big ones... well, maybe.

Win me a plush monkey and I'm yours forever.


Today's exercise: I wasn't kidding about that plush monkey. Get busy!

Next: I think maybe, finally, that piece on "To Kill A Mockingbird" I keep threatening.


*My favorite State Fair: Indiana (With Oklahoma being a close second. Midwest!)

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