My Letter to Santa

Dear Mr. Claus:

In exchange for my (semi)strict adherence to all state and federal laws over the past year as well as to (most of) the social strictures of my dominant culture, I request the following items:

• A pair of pants that flatters my hindquarters
• 50 additional IQ points
• A framed and signed copy of the November 18, 2011 edition of Cafe magazine (Frankly, with that cover, I really don't even care who signs it... Go Red Wings!)
• A new tiara (Perhaps a selection thereof?)
• A BeDazzler (To bring my wardrobe up to speed to match all of the tiaras)
• A pink, 100% cashmere snuggie (To wear while I'm BeDazzling the rest of my wardrobe)
• A single ripe orange picked from the tree outside of the house in Plantation, FL where I lived 25 ago (If it's no trouble...)
• A pony... keg... of Anchor Steam
• A skirt that flatters my hindquarters
• Bacon

Upon delivery of the above, it will be my pleasure to remit to you (1) a plate of festively decorated cookies, (2) a glass of cold milk.

Please be advised that our current facility has no fireplace, as that may impact your delivery method. If I can be of assistance with this or any other concerns that may arise, please don't hesitate to contact me. I thank you in advance for your time and consideration in this matter and look forward to working with you again in the coming  year.

Sincerely yours,
Michele Feltman Strider

Next: The Yummish Holiday Letter

Cinnamon Chubbies: A Tasty Holiday Treat

2 cups flour (plus extra for rolling dough)
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/8 teaspoon nutmeg
2/3 cup unsalted butter
1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla extract
2 cups sugar, split
2 eggs, well beaten
4 Tablespoons of ground cinnamon

Combine and set aside flour, baking powder, salt, and nutmeg

Cream together butter and vanilla
Gradually add 1 cup sugar and beat well
Add eggs in thirds and mix until fluffy
Gradually add dry ingredients and mix until smooth

Cover dough and chill for at least an hour

Combine remaining sugar and cinnamon in a flat, shallow baking dish

Dust a clean, flat surface with flour
Remove 1/3 of the chilled dough from the refrigerator
Using a rolling pin, roll into a flat, even circle
Sprinkle a light coating of the cinnamon sugar mix over the dough
Fold the dough inward from the edges until you end up with a lump
Repeat rolling, adding the cinnamon sugar mix, and folding 2 more times, ending with a lump of dough
Using your hands, roll dough into 1 1/2” balls
Toss lightly in the cinnamon sugar mix and place on a cookie sheet, 2” apart
Sprinkle tops with more cinnamon sugar mix
Bake at 375 degrees for 8 to 10 minutes

Repeat twice with remaining chilled dough

Yield: approximately 24

What I Learned From The Muppets

In honor of newly canonized Yummish Saint, Jim Henson:

Kermit the Frog: Sufficient imagination can transform an old coat and a ping-pong ball into one of the most beloved children's characters in history.

Gonzo: You don't need talent or good looks to succeed in show business... if you are willing to be continually humiliated and subject to injury. (The patron saint of reality TV?)

Miss Piggy: a) Sex appeal excuses even the worst behavior. b) Girls should learn to love their curves... and to throw a mean "karate-chop."

Don't hate moi because I'm beautiful.

Fozzie Bear: Oft-repeated catch-phrases are an acceptable substitute for wit

Dr. Teeth: Musicians are the coolest, even if they are made out of foam and felt.

The Electric Mayhem: a) Best band name ever. b) Best backing band ever. (Kris Kristofferson, Joan Baez, Rita Moreno, Paul Simon, Harry Belafonte, Jean-Pierre Rampal... They played with them all!)

Sam the Eagle: Ultra-conservative blowhards are funny. (I keep expecting him to show up as a commentator for Fox News.)

The Swedish Chef: a) It is perfectly acceptable to break dishes and throw utensils hither, thither, and yon while preparing a meal. b) Cröonchy Stars was an awesome breakfast cereal, but if you ask for it at your local IKEA, they will give you a dirty look.  

The original inspiration for “Mythbusters"?

Bunsen Honeydew and Beaker: It's funny when things go horribly awry and the skinny red-haired guy gets hurt.

Pigs in Space: Pigs are surprisingly well adapted to space travel. (Still my favorite sci-fi show.)

Statler and Waldorf: It's really, really fun to be really, really mean.

...But the muppet who has had, hands-down, the greatest influence over my daily behavior and way of thinking: Animal

The resemblance is uncanny, no?

Today's lesson: Appreciate those odd things from your childhood that helped shaped you into the awesome person you are now.

Next: Cinnamon Chubbies!