Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Going Viral

We are 22 days into the new year and I've been sick for most of them. Never fear! It's not been a total loss. The countless hours of sniffling and couch surfing have afforded me the opportunity to make the following observations:
  • Soaking in the bathtub is far more boring than advertised.
  • Constant coughing has allowed me to fully explore the acoustic possibilities of the apartment.
  • Sneezing is much more satisfying if you cuss loudly while doing so.
  • Mexican Sprite has magic healing properties its U.S.-born counterpart lacks.
  • Saltines are possessed of a subtle and addictive deliciousness.
  • Chocolate tastes funny, yet I keep eating it.
  • Everything smells weird, which seems unfair, since I can't actually breath through my nose.
  • Watching an entire season of 30 Rock straight through can put you in a meditative trance. (A couple of shots of Robitussin also helps.)
  • “You may experience drowsiness.” Translation: You will hibernate until Spring.
  • Cats can sense your weakness and will take advantage.
  • Lying down on the bed is an invitation for the phone to ring.
  • Lying down on the couch is an invitation for the cat to walk across your face.
  • Lying down is a temporary state at best, as oxygen soon becomes an issue.
  • Without NyQuil, the entirety of human civilization would crumble.
  • The ultimate achievement of human civilization: Luden's Cherry Cough Drops.
Update: Another week of fun brings us the following:
  • Thanks to my fever, I've saved a fortune in blusher usage.
  • Contamination issues make cooking dinner unsanitary and unwise.
  • Continual coughing gives my abs a good work out...
  • And has left me with a deep, sexy “Kathleen Turner” voice.
  • I'm learning to honk out simple tunes when I blow my nose.
  • I have an unassailable excuse for the way my hair looks...
  • And for wearing sweatpants all day...
  • And eating my weight in Popsicles.

Today's lesson: Wash often with soap and hot water. Cover your mouth when you sneeze or cough. Use lots of hand sanitizer. Tis the season to be germy.

Next: A treatise on the nature of art or beauty or something like that. I made some notes somewhere while in the depths of a cough syrup binge...


  1. Totally agree that soaking in the tub is boring. I occasionally get the yearning to soak in a bubble bath, but 10 minutes in realize that my legs are too long for the tub, I'm hot rather than relaxed, and the older I get, the more difficult getting out of the tub becomes. As for NyQuil products, may I suggest NyQuil Z's, just incase you would like to sleep without hearing the phone ring or feeling the cat walk over your face due to the drug induced coma the magic elixir causes! I hope you recover soon!