Friday, May 25, 2012

Don't Panic

Well... You've done it... Once again... Made a complete hash of things...

Good for you.

So you zigged when you should have zagged, turned left instead of right, jumped when it would have been better to duck. You danced out of step, sang the wrong words to the song, stood up when everyone else sat down.

At least you were out there – zigging, turning, and jumping. You stood up, sang out, and danced.

Life is messy. That's why every really hoopy frood needs to know where his towel is. Thus, today, we celebrate the 12th annual Towel Day.

If you have not read Douglas Adams' The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy,” 1) shame on you, 2) please visit this link to find out just what exactly in the heck I'm talking about:

In “The Hitchhiker's Guide,” we learn that a towel “is about the most massively useful thing” and that knowing “where your towel is” is a sign of froodiness/commendable personal character. In addition to the practical uses outlined by Mr. Adams (use it to sail a mini raft down the slow heavy river Moth; wet it for use in hand-to-hand-combat; wrap it round your head to ward off noxious fumes or to avoid the gaze of the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal), having a towel at your side is a continual reminder that no matter how hoopy/together you may be, mistakes will be made, outcomes will come out poorly, and clean up is often necessary.

And that's OK.

Today's lesson: Know where your towel is.

Next: Maybe I'll piggyback something on another dead writer's work...

Thursday, May 24, 2012

50% Off Sale!

From now through Memorial Day, get my first book, "Homecoming: A Novella" for only $6.49. (plus tax/shipping)

This offer is available ONLY on

Discount Code: L2FE5T9C
Please share with any and everyone!

Offer valid through May 28.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Top 10 Reasons Not to Beat a Dead Horse

10)  You could step in something icky and ruin your boots.

 9)  The flies.

 8)  The smell.

 7)  Possible exposure to whatever killed the horse.

 6)  Your arm will get tired.

 5)  Takes time/attention away from the living horses. 

 4)  Unlike a piñata, there is no prize inside -- just more dead horse.

 3)  Does nothing to solve the problem of having a dead horse lying around.

 2)  You look like an idiot.

 1)  The horse is dead.

Today's lesson:  Don't beat a dead horse

Next: Hopefully something for Towel Day

Friday, May 18, 2012

Vampirical Facts

Vampires... The trend that won't stop trending. Far be it from me not to jump on any passing bandwagon (“I'm with the band”), thus I give you:

The Obligatory Vampire Post

According to Merriam-Webster, a vampire is “a bloodsucking ghost or reanimated body of a dead person believed to come from the grave and wander about by night sucking the blood of persons asleep and causing their death.” (Just in case you'd never seen an episode of The Munsters or Scooby-Doo and were unclear on the concept.)

Original Vamp: Theda Bara, whose stage name was a coincidental anagram of “Arab Death.”
Unoriginal Vamp: Me, 1989 – 1991. So much black eyeliner... A tragedy, really...

According to some random vampire mythology sites I read, redheads turn into vampires after death. Ditto the “morally weak.” So...

My character name on “Vampire Wars” is Mo Bloody. I was not able to come up with anything more clever. Sad...

I went on a “vampire tour” of New Orleans. It turned out to be a pub crawl broken up with intermittent ghost stories. After a point, the guide pretty much gave up on the ghost stories. At one watering hole, we met Miss Ruthie, (now departed) famed of song and story, but, sadly, not her duck. It was too rainy, so he'd stayed at home.

I've watched the first season of True Blood and read the free Kindle sample of Dead Until Dark.” I enjoyed both, but for some reason seem to be unable to commit to Sookie and the Gang. (Though I do agree that “nekkid vampires” is a totally solid premise. Maybe if they brought in that hot guy from “Law and Order”...)

Has Liam Neeson ever made a nekkid vampire movie? If not, could he? Thanks ever so...

Looking back on it, I think that was my main complaint with the Interview with the Vampire movie... Not nekkid enough...

The same, however, cannot be said of Francis Ford Coppola's 1992 version of Dracula.”

Best Vampire Movie, Sober: Let the Right One In (Låt den rätte komma in)
Best Vampire Movie, Buzzed: The Lost Boys*

Best Vampire Book: Bunnicula**

Best Vampire TV Show: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (seasons 1 – 5)
Worst Vampire TV Show: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (seasons 6 & 7)

Vampire(s) I most want to have (a few too many) drinks with: Spike from “BtVS” and Pam from “True Blood.” (Admit it... now you kind of want to, too, don't you?)

Vampire I most want to stake: Angel (whiny, much?)

Human I would most like to see eaten by vampires: Airport security attendants (except I think they are technically classified as zombies)
Human I would most like to see turned into a vampire: Kim Kardashian, as I think her inability to see herself in a mirror would be pretty clever as ironic punishment goes.

Best. Vampire. Ever.: Count von Count

Today's lesson: There's a billboard for the new Dark Shadows movie at the corner of San Pablo and Solano and I am extremely suggestible.

Next: I guess it depends on what advertising I'm exposed to between now and then... Some eye candy from the Battleship movie might be nice...

*Hate on, haters. The 80s ruled! (OK, no... They really didn't...)
**FWIW, I have never read/seen Twilight and am thus unable to comment on it.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Tomatoes or Not Tomatoes: That Is the Question

Once I bought some heirloom tomatoes.

I ate them. They were yummy.

I saved some of the seeds.

A few weeks ago I put those seeds in pots with some dirt.

Something has sprouted.

I have no idea if any of these are tomato plants or if I just have four pots full of weeds.


Planter 1

Planter 2

Planter 3

Planter 4

Today's lesson: I am a lousy gardener

Next: I go to Alabama for a week.

UPDATE:  On advice of counsel (thanks Shalla!!!!), the not-matoes have been pulled up, given a thorough thrashing, then were wadded into the organics bin with extreme prejudice. They have been replaced with a new set of heirloom tomato seeds that will probably end up growing into grape vines or Joshua trees or African elephants. I'll let you know...

NEW GROWTH: Something has sprouted in 3 of the 4 pots in which I planted heirloom tomato seeds. With my luck, it is doubtful they are tomatoes plants. It's more likely they're jelly bean trees... or herring... or dental floss... Thoughts?

Planter 1, Take 2

Planter 2, Take 2

Planter 3, Take 2


What do you think? Am I getting anywhere?

7/22/12 -- Flowers!

Also seen -- Bees! :-)