Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Neanderthal Woman

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the gene pool... It turns out that many of your friends and neighbors may actually be the scions of Cavemen.

Cro-Magnon hottie Ayla
According to recent findings, the proto-humans known as Neanderthals didn't actually die off so much as get it on with the newly emergent Cro Mangon hotties. (Thus, making the Clan of the Cave Bear books more scientifically accurate than many high school biology texts in the US...) Humans of non-African origin may have derived between 1% – 4% of their DNA from these husky, prehistoric hunters, with about 100 Neanderthal genes still playing an active role in human evolution. 
Far from being disturbed by this discovery, I adore the idea of being descended from Neanderthals. Below is a list of my very intelligent and well-considered reasons why:

I've always thought it would be cool to be bi-racial.

I'd have an unassailable excuse for my desire to hit others over the head with a heavy wooden club...

      ...and for eating with my hands...

           ...or modeling large portions of my wardrobe on Raquel Welch in One Million Years B.C. (What does one wear with fur-trimmed apres-surf boots? A leather bikini! Duh.)

My occasional loss of verbal ability could be ascribed to something other than half a bottle of Shiraz.

Watching The Flintstones cartoon at my advanced age becomes slightly less pathetic... as does my habit of wearing animal-print scarves.

It would finally explain my fascination with Ugg boots...

      ...and men with prominent browridges...
          ...and why there are so many finger/hand prints on the walls of my apartment.

I'd no longer have to be insulted when told I dance like a troglodyte.

Tweezing = optional

CMMC* – Cave Man Motorcycle Club!

Today's exercise: Enjoy the increased “scope for imagination” afforded to us by new scientific discovery.

Next: Me no know... Only simple cave woman...

*Admittedly, that could also stand for Cro-Magnon Motorcycle Club. Though C-MMC would most likely be a Harley Rider's Group, while we Neanderthals tend toward BMWs

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