My Letter to Santa

Dear Mr. Claus:

In exchange for my (semi)strict adherence to all state and federal laws over the past year as well as to (most of) the social strictures of my dominant culture, I request the following items:

• A pair of pants that flatters my hindquarters
• 50 additional IQ points
• A framed and signed copy of the November 18, 2011 edition of Cafe magazine (Frankly, with that cover, I really don't even care who signs it... Go Red Wings!)
• A new tiara (Perhaps a selection thereof?)
• A BeDazzler (To bring my wardrobe up to speed to match all of the tiaras)
• A pink, 100% cashmere snuggie (To wear while I'm BeDazzling the rest of my wardrobe)
• A single ripe orange picked from the tree outside of the house in Plantation, FL where I lived 25 ago (If it's no trouble...)
• A pony... keg... of Anchor Steam
• A skirt that flatters my hindquarters
• Bacon

Upon delivery of the above, it will be my pleasure to remit to you (1) a plate of festively decorated cookies, (2) a glass of cold milk.

Please be advised that our current facility has no fireplace, as that may impact your delivery method. If I can be of assistance with this or any other concerns that may arise, please don't hesitate to contact me. I thank you in advance for your time and consideration in this matter and look forward to working with you again in the coming  year.

Sincerely yours,
Michele Feltman Strider

Next: The Yummish Holiday Letter