It is fair to say that few people grow up dreaming of one day working in the glamorous, fast-paced world of retail. It's a job. You trade your time and efforts for cash and it is, we recognize, a piss poor trade at that.
You are, of course, better than the job. You have talents, abilities and aspirations as beautiful and unique and worthy as anyone. We understand that this is not a job that challenges you, except in the worst of ways.
On this Black Friday*, we resolve to remember that you are human beings, of equal value to ourselves and of far greater importance than any Blu-ray player, no matter how deeply discounted.
We resolve to speak to you respectfully, no matter how frustrated we are that your employer has run out of whichever loss leader item we'd set our hearts on obtaining on the ultra-cheap.
We resolve not to make this already difficult day worse for you by yelling, shoving, littering, stealing**, tossing objects or others, or letting our children or selves run wild.
We resolve not to insult you, curse you, shove you, hit you or trample you to death. We promise to put your health and well-being ahead of petty material desires.
Or at least, that is how we hope we'd behave if we were going to participate in Black Friday. As it is, we spent too many years working retail and intend to spend the day cowering under the bed hiding from the horrifying flashbacks.
Today's exercise: Today and every day, give others the gift of your respect. It costs even less than that plasma TV on sale at the mall...
Next: An in depth study of how the International Monetary Fund is enslaving and destroying the Third World... Just kidding. More likely we'll wax poetic about cookies.
* That frenzied orgy of extreme acquisition that is the natural result of asking Americans to spend an entire day attempting to be grateful for what they already have. For some, this day has become a holiday unto itself as well as a cherished family tradition and, of course, we would never “Yuck their Yum.”
**Though it is a fact that people shoplift on Black Friday, this has always confused us. Is it slightly less-bad than stealing the item at full price? We are equally confused by shoplifting from the Dollar Store. Since you don't intend to pay for it anyway, why not take better stuff? Questions like these are what comes of drinking plum wine in the middle of the day.