A Scrapbook of Random Christmas Memories

Having spent the majority of my formative years in the southern* U.S., to me the phrase “white Christmas” meant we were spending it at the beach.

Additionally, I had the vague notion that a Yule Log was something one would find at a Stuckey's, near the pecan logs.

When I lived in Plantation, Florida, Santa Claus would ride through my neighborhood on top of a flashing, honking fire truck, throwing candy canes. It was loud and stupid and awesome.

Though the weather was often in the 70s, every Christmas Eve I insisted on wearing footed blanket pajamas to bed – for about 10 minutes, until heatstroke started to set in.

Grade school holiday pageants** are a gateway drug, tempting children to experiment with community theater... or worse.

I never got to play the Virgin Mary in the school Christmas pageant because of my red hair.*** However, I did get to play a business woman one year. I'm still not really sure what that was about.

When setting out Santa's plate of milk and cookies before going to bed on Christmas Eve, I often wondered if he might not prefer a cold beer and some pretzels to cut the sweetness and add a little variety to the evening. Knowing what I know now, he probably would have.

Upon moving to a home with a fireplace, I realized that the chief obstacle to Santa getting down the chimney was not the diameter, but the vast number of dead squirrels collected inside.

Every year as a kid, I could look forward to receiving socks from my grandmother. They were generally knee length, had some ridiculous pattern, and were always outrageously red. She'd also send my father a liter of whiskey. Grandma had her moments.

Growing up, my family always had an artificial tree. As a newlywed in Oklahoma, I bought my first real tree – a potted miniature pine. It was hit by lightning – while sitting on the mantlepiece over my fireplace, inside of our apartment. I have not had a Christmas tree since.
  

Today's lesson: I'm really, really, super self-absorbed.

Next: Something that ultimately serves my ego, no doubt.

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*Georgia, Florida, and Alabama, if you're curious.

**No one can rock a pair of glitter-and-poster-board wings like me. 
 
***Because everyone knows Mary was a blond, right? 
 

The Twelve Days of Yumness

On the Twelve Days of Yumness, my true love gave to me -

• Twelve drums of gummies
• Eleven pies of pumpkin 
• Ten loaves of sweet things
• Nine ladyfingers 
• Eight mugs of milk tea  
• Seven prawns a sizzling  
• Six pizzas baking  
• Number Five of the Red Wings 
• Four lollipops  
• Three french breads  
• Some turtle fudge 
• And a pear in a puff pastry

Today's lesson: There is probably something very, very wrong with me.

Next: Further evidence supporting the hypothesis above. 
 

Santa Claus vs. The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo

Below is a chart comparing and contrasting two of the world's most beloved/tweeted about folk heroes: Father Christmas and Lisbeth Salander, of the Millennium Series. 

 

Note: This post was written after consuming two glasses of Shiraz... which may also benefit the reading thereof.

Spoiler Alert: If you haven't yet read the books* or seen the (excellent) original films,**  none of this is going to make a damn bit of sense. My apologies.

Santa Claus	Lisbeth Salander
Jolly old elf	Elfish avenging riot grrrl
Lives at the North Pole	Lives in Sweden, which most Americans think is pretty much the same thing
Fictional character based on an historical personage	Fictional character – and internet rumors abound
The subject of multiple “family friendly” movies	The subject of multiple “friendly family” movies
Knows when you're sleeping/awake	Knows when you're online
Wears black leather boots	Wears black leather boots
Most PETA-offending accessory: Fur	Most PETA-offending accessory: Leather
Punishes the naughty with a stocking full of coal	Punishes the naughty with a Molotov cocktail
Ropes and ties reindeer to his sled	Roped and tied a rapist to his bed
Christmas Day arrival eagerly anticipated by good little children around the world	Christmas Day arrival eagerly anticipated by generally disaffected, alternachicks around the world***

Today's lesson: Seriously? You're looking for a take-away from this?

Next: The Twelve Days of Yumness


*If you haven't yet had the chance, I assume it's because you've been too busy reading “Homecoming” – and, really, who could blame you?

**Noomi Rapace forever!

***Or whatever... Too lazy to look up the release information on IMDb... (If you should feel so industrious, give my blank-head profile a look/like while you're there.)