Saturday, May 28, 2011

Pirate v Mermaid

Mother, mother ocean, after all the years I've found
My occupational hazard being my occupation's just not around

A Pirate Looks at Forty, Jimmy Buffett*

The shirt that inspired this post.
I have, for some time now, been considering a change in vocation. Upon reflection, I realized that of the 36 years I have spent on this planet, I have spent fewer than 36 months living landlocked. Thus my options became clear. I should pursue a career as either a Pirate or a Mermaid.

Unable to decide which is the better choice, I have made the following chart comparing the two:

Get to sail around on a really cool boat Get to breathe under water
Flattering picture hats Flattering diminished gravity
Pillaging is a lot like shopping Save lots of money buying only the top half of bathing suits. Also, free (non-faux) pearls.
The social acceptability of drinking rum at all three meals** All-you-can-eat sashimi, very fresh
Pet pirate and/or monkey Swimming with dolphins
Possibility of hooking up with the Dread Pirate Roberts Possibility of hooking up with Poseidon
Kinkiest accessory: Thigh-high leather boots Kinkiest accessory: Shell-shaped pasties
Proposed moniker: The Ginger Raider Proposed moniker: Miss Shell
Treasure Island Bodily Harm***
Romanticized vision of men who raped and plundered Romanticized vision of manatees
Possibility of an early, violent death Possibility of having to swim upstream to spawn (We're still looking into that...)
Currently enjoying positive popular sentiment because of a wildly successful Disney franchise. Currently enjoying positive popular sentiment because of a wildly successful Disney franchise.
Opportunities for posing on a windswept deck, sails billowing dramatically behind me. Opportunities for posing on a jutting sea mount, with breaking waves crashing dramatically behind me
Current greatest obstacle: sea legs Current greatest obstacle: legs

The other inspirational garment
Thoughts? Opinions? The name of a good shrink?

Today's exercise: What do you want to be when you grow up?

Next: Something about summer fairs, I think. It's been a long time since I've had a funnel cake...

I'm on a boat.
*(Insert shout-outs to McGill-Toolen High School & Mobile, AL here. Have I mentioned that I wrote a book set in Mobile? Oh, so shameless...)

**Not unlike a certain Thanksgiving I spent in Cancun, as the kids can attest. Role model!

***Not actually about mermaids at all, but my copy has mermaid lamp on the cover and it is a really kick-ass book.


  1. I would go with pirate over mermaid. I imagine getting sea legs is a lot easier than getting legs when you have none. That whole ripping apart of the tail is...gross.

    BTW, when I grow up I want to be a Queen. Of a land that drinks wine with every meal. So...France? Germany?

    1. That settles it... Pirate Queen it is!

    2. Also, RE: Germany or France? Why settle for just one? (Grand Empress in High Heels?)